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VOICE-OVER ONE (taken from the CD)
"Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Dr. Sam Beckett led an elite group of scientists into the desert to develop a top-secret project known as Quantum Leap. Pressured to prove his theories on loose funding, Dr. Beckett prematurely stepped into the project Accelerator and vanished! He awoke to find himself in the past, suffering from partial amnesia and facing a mirror image that was not his own. Fortunately, contact with his own time was maintained through brainwave transmissions with Al, the Project Observer, who appeared in the form of a hologram that only Dr. Beckett can see and hear. Trapped in the past, Dr. Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, putting things right that once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home!"-Overdub I, V.O. Deborah Pratt
VOICE-OVER TWO (from the regular T.V. shows)
"Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Dr. Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap Accelerator and vanished! He awoke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own, and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear. And so Dr. Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home!"-Overdub II, V.O. Deborah Pratt
"How could I be late? We've just met."-Al (Genesis I)
"Kick in the butt, 'ain't it?"-Al (Genesis I)
"We did it! Did what? I can't remember. I can't remember anything. Who am I? Where am I?...Oh boy. I'm in big trouble here. I don't even remember going to bed with this woman, whoever she is. And whoever she is, she's certainly pregnant...very pregnant!"-Sam (Genesis I)
"Secret? What the hell is secret about an area code?"-Sam (Genesis I)
"OK, it's not a dream. It's a nightmare. And if it's a nightmare, sooner or later there's going to be a b**g*em*n."-Sam (Genesis I)
"You know, I like that guy. Kinda reminds me of me back in the old days."-Al (Genesis I)
"Given enough time, you can get used to anything. Even a nightmare. All you have to do is relax and trust those around you."-Sam (Genesis I)
"Either someone blocked Peg's view of the guy in the tux, or the b**g*em*n had arrived. Whichever it was, I was going to find out."-Sam (Genesis I)
"Please, God. I'd like to wake up now."-Sam (Genesis I)
"When you try to pass the guy in front goes twice as fast. Bermashave."-Signs on the side of the road (Genesis I)
"Nothing cures a cold faster than a fishing trip."-Sam (Genesis I)
"You're a part of a time travel experiment that went a little ca-ca.-Al
A little ca-ca? How little ca-ca?-Sam
Well you're here, which is a biggie. I mean, that's a first. It's Nobel Prize time. You should be proud of that.-Al
And?-Sam
And, uh, uh, we're experiencing technical difficulties in, uh, retrieving you.-Al
That's great, AL! I wake up in '56 with a memory like swiss cheese and you're experiencing technical difficulties. Whose brain child is this, yours?-Sam No, not mine..."-Al (Genesis I)
"Did you ever think of taking flying lessons?"-Al (Genesis I)
"One end of this string represents your birth; the other end, your death. You tie the ends together, and your life is a loop. Ball the loop...and the days of your life touch each other out of sequence. Therefore, leaping from one point in the string to another...-Al
...would move you backward or forward within your own lifetime."-Sam: The Quantum Leap String Theory (Genesis II)
"Bad enough I have to give 'Dick and Jane' explanations to the President and I've to give you one too."-Al (Genesis II)
"Your best shot is freezing the brain until all electrical activity has ceased-Al That's called Death!-Sam I never said it would be easy."-Al (Genesis II)
"I nearly died because you were at a ballgame?!-Sam It wasn't just a ballgame. It was a playoff game."-Al (Genesis II)
"I'm still here. Aw, dammit, I'm still here!"-Sam (Genesis II)
"I'd trade my ex-wife for any wreck they got."-Al (Genesis II)
"He knew. The little sucker knew. And he wasn't going to stop barking until they all knew...One of the first things my dad taught me was how to face the wild ones down. You look him straight in the eye and let him know who's boss. (the dog growls) 'Course, it had been a long time since I was a kid. (the dog whines and backs down) Then again, once you got the touch, you never loose it."-Sam (Genesis II)
"No wonder they're in the cellar. They got about as much enthusiasm as a ten-dollar hooker."-Al (Genesis II)
"I'm in a real identity crisis here, Al."-Sam (Genesis II)
"You're a vampire!-Sam
What? Neurological holograms don't reflect, Sam. Obviously, when it comes to Quantum physics, you're still a mental slug. But we can talk about this later... Come on, I'd hate to miss the game.-Al
You already know how it's going to end.-Sam
I knew how it was gonna end when I took Brenda into the filing room. I still took her."-Al (Genesis II)
"You know, maybe this Quantum Leaping isn't such a bad deal after all. Getting a second chance to put things right, to make the world a better place. How much do I get to accomplish before I'm done?"-Sam (Genesis II)
"Now all I have to do is figure out who I am, where I am, and why all these young women was staring at me as if I were Tom Cruise!"-Sam (Star-Crossed)
"Great. Four of my least favorite cliché's: 'headbands,' 'bell-bottoms,' 'flower-power' and 'English Lit.' "-Sam (Star-Crossed)
"She smelled the same. 'Course, I didn't."-Sam (Star-Crossed)
"She knew. She knew how I liked my burger. Shove that up your gauge-circuit, Ziggy!"-Sam (Star-Crossed)
"Look, Oscar. Why don't we talk about this, man to man? If you don't like what you hear, you can always break my face."-Sam (Star-Crossed)
"Between love and the noblest cause, there should be no contest. Love is life's only true satisfaction.(Bryant)"-Sam (Star-Crossed)
"Sam, there's all kinds of kinky stuff in here. There's leather stuff, there's a rope and toga, there's rubber stuff...oh my God, Sam, you've gotta see this."-Al (Star-Crossed)
"He wanted to defend my honor?-Jamie-Lee Define 'honor' " -Al (Star-Crossed)
"You gotta stop thinking with your heart and start thinkin' with your noggin'.-Al
Is that what you'd do?-Sam
Hey, if some woman stood me up at the alter, I'd say 'adios amigos.' Actually, I wish a couple of them had. Don't give me that sick puppy look. Stop it. I'll never scratch you behind the ears again. Now, stop it."-Al (Star-Crossed)
"Bunsen-burners. There's no other smell like 'em. They are the common denominators that make all science departments equal. My life's blood, and I'm trapped in 'Mr. English Lit.' There's no justice."-Sam (Star-Crossed)
"What's important is he's had a change of heart.-Al
I don't think Whitesmith had a heart.-Sam
He probably doesn't. But, his wife does.-Al
You slept with his wife?!?-Sam
I would never do anthing so unscrupulous as that...Unless it was Bartlett's wife. Now, there is a woman to get fired over."-Al (Star-Crossed)
"You set Tina up with Whitesmith and then blackmailed him?-Sam
(Looks innocent for a second, then smirks) Yeah.-Al
That...(Sam smiles)-Sam
Unscrupulous, but effective!"-Al (Star-Crossed)
"Have faith, Cody, it's all going according to God's plan.-Sister Angela
Yeah, but is God going according to Ziggy's plan? He figured this leap would land you in Texas somewhere in the mid 50's.-Al
Oh great!-Sam
That's the spirit!"-Sister Angela (The Right Hand of God)
"We'd really appreciate it if you could move in with us to save us on food and housing expenses?-Sister Angela
Sounds better than rent control!"-Al (The Right Hand of God)
"Who...who does she remind you of?-Al
Ingrid Bergman.-Sam
No, you. You and me both back in the old days when we were trying to raise funding for the Imaging Chamber. We were pouring over the blueprints and...That was our dream, you know, that was our chapel."-Al (The Right Hand of God)
"Al, am I boring you, Al?-Sam
(Yawns) It's just, I got this nut for a neighbor who sleeps all day and then at night he's rebuilding the engine on his car from 2 am. All I hear is "vroom!"...-Al
OK...-Sam
Vroom!-Al That's fine..-Sam
Vroom! Vroom!-Al
Fine, Al...-Sam
Vroom. Vroom! He's got more holes in his muffler than you've got in your memory. I complain...uh this guy . Oh yeah, and this guy...uh he's a big guy. He tells me to blow it up my tailpipe. Oh, I don't know what I'm gonna do!"-Al (The Right Hand of God)
"(To God) I hope you know what you're doing!"-Sam (The Right Hand of God)
"Great, I'm a matake, wear polyester clothes, and live above a bar in an apartment decorated like a gym. If I've got a roommate he's probably got cauliflower ears."-Sam (The Right Hand of God)
"Are you hungry? I made you your favorite for dinner tonight!-Dixie My favorite! Oh, thanks. I really like my favorite....it's...it's...it's one of my favorites!-Sam (The Right Hand of God)
"Rosco, you come between us and a jelly filled sugar glaze with sprinkles on top one more time and I'll bust your nose.(She throws him money and as he bends down for it, she slams the door)-Dixie
Oh! Dammit! Oh, you broke my nose! Dammit!"-Rosco (The Right Hand of God)
"(as she takes off her balthrobe) Honey, I thought I owned you....and you owned me!"-Dixie (The Right Hand of God)
"(He finds Al snoring next to his bed) Al? Al!-Sam
(Still asleep) Denise? Denise, get in the closet! Get...Oh, uh, no, there's no other girl here, Tina. I swear, honey , no no, Tina! Tina! (he wakes up) Oh, hi kid!-Al
You know, people in monogamous relationships don't wake up with guilty consciences.-Sam
Oh, I know. They don't have any fun, either. Anyway, the problem is not Denise. The problem is the muffler from Hell! This guy is driving me nuts with his "vroom! vroom! vroom! vroom!" all night-Al
Denise?-Sam
Yeah, she's a writer. She's gonna write my life story.-Al
A writer? (Laughs)What's she written?-Sam
I don't know. I met her at a party. She's got the most incredible pair....-Al
Al, Al, you're in a church!-Sam
Oh, uh.... of...uh... matching boxing gloves!-Al
What's Ziggy come up with?-Sam
Oh, uh, he says there's not enough data about this guy next door to do me a damned bit of good!"-Al (The Right Hand of God)
"Well, if we knew the unknown, the unknown wouldn't be unknown."-Al (The Right Hand of God)
"When I was 16 - back in the days when the dinosaurs ruled the planet- I was a Golden Globes Regional Champ!"-Al (The Right Hand of God)
"How did you ever get to be a prize fighter?-Sister Angela Just...I kinda fell into it."-Sam (The Right Hand of God)
"When you're fightin' for the Lord you get inside tips...Say I got a hunch and had faith."-Sam (The Right Hand of God)
"Couldn't you give them name tags?"-Sam (How the Tess Was Won>
"You're hiding behind your swiss-cheesed brain."-Al (How the Tess Was Won)
"Tina's cheating on you?-Sam Can you believe it? Boggles the mind."-Al (How the Tess Was Won)
"Oh, well, almost all animals can see me. But, you know, there must be something weird-looking about me, because I seem to intimidate them.-Al
Maybe it's your clothes."-Sam (How the Tess Was Won)
"Tina and I met over a poker table in Las Vegas. I had a flush. She had a pair. Oh, what a pair!"-Al (How the Tess Was Won)
"Runny nose, watery eyes, sqeaky voice....LOUD squeaky voice."-Sam (How the Tess Was Won)
"I saw her today. She was having trouble getting her prize stallion to mate.-Sam
That's a cross we all have to bear. Performance under pressure."-Al (How the Tess Was Won)
"Don't fight it, Sam. You're here to marry this cowboy. Boy-girl. Cowgirl. Girl."-Al (How the Tess Was Won)
"Bonanza was never like this."-Al (How the Tess Was Won)
"She ran out on me, Sam. She took my second most favorite organ and stomped it to death with her four-inched spike heels."-Al (How the Tess Was Won)
"Tell him Wayne was palming, stacking, shifting, stealing second, stealing base, stealing sides, cheating."-Al (How the Tess Was Won)
"Fetch me a fan, would ya? Fetch. I'm talkin' like them."-Sam (How the Tess Was Won)
"Pass out again if you want to. I'll just take off all of your clothes!"-Sam (How the Tess Was Won)
"If that Tina came to me on her knees, on her knees , and begged me, I wouldn't give her the sweat off my...-Al
Al!!!"-Sam (How the Tess Was Won)
"C'mon, Sam! Gimme a break! I knew you cold ride that nag.-Al
Nag?!? You call that half ton of Texas lightning that tried to castrate me a nag ?!?"-Sam (How the Tess Was Won)
"Could you just once use the door?-Sam
Happy?-Al
Yes."-Sam (How the Tess Was Won)
"Buddy...-Sam
Yeah Doc?-Buddy
Why don't you try 'Peggy Sue.' It might sound better."-Sam (How the Tess Was Won)
"Thanks, Frankie. You was terrific. If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.-Theresa
What did she call me? Terrific. No, dummy, Frankie was terrific. That's it! Frankie! She called me Frankie. Frankie what? Frankie who? (looks in mirror) Frankie! Wow. Whatever I was here to improve, it wasn't Frankie's looks. Ok, you got a job to do, so whatever it is, let's get to it, killer!"-Sam (Double Identity)
"Oh boy! I'm supposed to speak Italian!"-Sam (Double Identity)
"Sing?-Sam
Make a noise with your voice."-Al (Double Identity)
"I don't want him dead. I want him singing soprano.-Don Gino
(Hitting a high note) Voooooooooooooooooolare!"-Sam (Double Identity)
"I'm 10 in the fourth grade. Marsha Green sits right in front of me.-Sam
And you used to dip her pigtails into the inkwell.-Al
We didn't have inkwells.-Sam
Oh, we did. I used to dip Hanna Gretze's pigtails. That was until I discovered it was a lot more fun to take Hannah into the cloakroom!-Al
In the fourth grade!?!?!-Sam
Well, I was socially advanced."-Al (Double Identity)
"I swear on my first born grand-child...-Frankie's Father
Angela told you!?!?!"-Frankie's Brother (Double Identity)
"Oh God! He's asking me in Italian!"-Sam (Double Identity)
"Theresa, you were awesome behind the furnace."-Sam (Double Identity)
"Why don't I get the feeling this isn't going to be a good day?"-Sam (Color of Truth)
"You know, this is when I hate being a hologram. The smell of chitlins and greens cooking is a religious experience.-Al
I feel like the Wicked Witch of the West!-Sam
Let's see; garlic, onions, green peppers, celery, hogmaw...-Al
Animal stomache?!?!-Sam
Yeah, chopped finely. Now, uh, what am I forgetting?-Al
How sick this is making me!!!"-Sam (Color Of Truth)
"Pull off into the cemetary, dammit!!!!-Al
Thank you, Charles. You didn't have to swear!"-Miss Melanie (Color Of Truth)
"It was incredible, real Twilight Zone stuff. Sam, she had to have heard me.-Al
That's great, Al.-Sam
Just think of the possibilities. I mean, if I reached Miss Melanie, then maybe - just maybe- I could reach other women. Younger women. (Sam laughs) What? What?!?!-Al
Is sex all you ever think about?-Sam
Well, except when I'm pulling you out of the fire, yes.-Al
Well, you got me there, Al!"-Sam (Color Of Truth)
"Miss Melanie, once you've seen the light, you can not go back into the darkness."-Sam (Color Of Truth)
"Oh, God, I'm a dork. A dork with teeth that can pick up radio transmissions."-Sam (Kamikaze Kid)
"From his driver's license, I discovered I had leaped into one Cam Wilson, 17-year old hot rod jockey who loved junk food and had the zits to prove it. Maybe it had nothing to do with the kid I replaced, but I suddenly had this urge for a burger and malt."-Sam (Kamikaze Kid)
"Nice dive, Sam! See, I gave you a 9.5 on that dive!"-Al (Kamikaze Kid)
"You remind me of, of a stripper I know in Vegas. She starts out with an empty,... uh... T.V. shipping carton and then she ends up with a little, teeny-weeny kleenex box."-Al (Kamikaze Kid)
"Cam? Are you naked?-Jill
Do the initials BA mean anything to you?"-Al (Kamikaze Kid)
"What's this?-Sam
The ususal, silly! Two Pinkie burgers, a large order of fries, a chocolate shake and a cherry Coke. And when you're finished, I'll be back with your dessert.-Waitress
You could just put a cherry on top of your head!"-Al (Kamikaze Kid)
"What year is this?-Sam
1961-Al
Great! The tail end of the most immature period in history. All the guys will drink malts, drive hot rods and wear butch wax in their hair. And the girls, all that pillow fight, chat on the phone, blind dates and get their panties raided.-Sam
Ah, those were the good old days."-Al (Kamikaze Kid)
"(Getting pummmeled by Cam's dad) Dad, that's all right. I'll just go into my room and just slam my head into the wall.-Sam
That's my boy!"-Cam's dad (Kamikaze Kid)
"Excuse me, what is this?-Cam's mom
(Laughs) An old Playboy magazine!-Sam
Old?!? Miss May looks pretty fresh to me!"-Cam's mom (Kamikaze Kid)
"Sometimes my swiss-cheesed memory plays funny tricks on me. I knew from the sound of the engine that the camshaft had a flat rope, but I didn't have the faintest idea of where the camshaft was, or how to remove it. I felt like a newborn calf walking around its mother, knowing there was milk there, somewhere."-Sam (Kamikaze Kid)
"Oh, Tina would look good without that [lingerie] on. -Al
Al? -Sam
Hi, Sam. Oh, you've missed all the fun. Check out this black number in the Fredricks of Hollywood box!-Al
I will not check that out! Well, what are you doing here?-Sam
I'm confirming that Ziggy's data retrieval circuits are fully functional.-Al
What?-Sam
Well, you see, he predicted that Cheryl's lingerie party would start precisely at 2:07 pacific daylight time. He was 8 seconds off.-Al
Al, you didn't stand in here and watch Cheryl try on all this stuff on.-Sam
Well, you know, uh, uh, if you gonna publish, you gotta have data.-Al
What are you going to publish, a lingerie catalogue?-Sam
That's a good idea, Sam. I could do some inside research, if you get my drift.-Al
Yeah, I get your drift. What else are you here for?-Sam
Nothing.-Al
Nothing?!!-Sam
Nothing. I thought lingerie was enough."-Al (Kamikaze Kid)
"Leaping about in time, I've suffered some humiliation and abuse. But I can't recall anything as horrible as being forced to sit at the children's table."-Sam (Kamikaze Kid)
"Food fight! Food fight! I like food fights! Well, some of the time, not all of the time."-Al (Kamikaze Kid)
"You know, normally I'm against spreading men's room gossip, but in this case..-Al It would be criminal not to!"-Sam (Kamikaze Kid)
"Oh, look. Look what I picked up this morning (shows Sam picture of girl in a bikini stretched out on hood of a car.)-Al
The girl or the car?-Sam
Both. Met her at the car auction. She offered to wax my hood.-Al
Well, she, uh, looks like she does good work."-Sam (Kamikaze Kid)
"Play it again, Sam!-Al
Uh, am I Bogie?-Sam
No, no he's on Long Island with Audrey Hepburn making "Sabrina." But the resemblance is amazing. That might be why Nick became a gumshoe.-Al
Gumshoe?-Sam
Shamus, tek, dick, you don't know the lingo!-Al
I don't remember.-Sam
What kind of peep are you gonna make?-Al
At least I remember him. (Pointing to mirror's image) Here's looking at you, kid!"-Sam (Play it Again, Seymour)
"You dirty rat. You dirty, rotton rat..-Sam
Sam!-Al
You killed my brother!-Sam
Sam...Sam ...Sam! That's Cagney, not Bogart-Al
Yeah, uh right.-Sam
Well, I gotta go. Tina's got up this friend...-Al
Al, don't tell me you're cheating on Tina with her friend!-Sam
...a friend who knows a guy whose got a kid that works for a trainer who happens to have a sure thing in the fourth race at Santa Anita. Now, don't you feel bad about jumping to conclusions?"-Al (Play it Again, Seymour)
"Bogie?-Woman on street
Oh, uh, no ma'am. He's up in Long Island with Audrey Hepburn and William Holden.-Sam (She hits him)."- (Play it Again, Seymour)
"Word on the street is he was fogged by a dropper called Clapper."-Seymour (Play it Again, Seymour)
"Someone was in my office. Someone dangerous. Boy, was I right."-Sam (Play it Again, Seymour)
"'They found Phil emptying a bottle with a hand shakier than a grass skirt on Wai-ki-ki. He looked like a cat working on his ninth life ever since he heard a dropper named Clapper was looking for him.' It's not deja-vu. I read this book!"-Sam (Play it Again, Seymour)
"'She was a flamer. A red-head who could make Father Flannigan forget Boy's Town.'-Sam
Gee, my first wife was just like that.-Al
Al, look, I read this book, Nick's writing. That's why I know everything. It's not deja-vu.-Sam
Another illusion shattered forever."-Al (Play it Again, Seymour)
"'The heat between us was like a six-day jaunt in the Sahara, but our ties to Phil were as tight as the drunk on the corner stool.'-Sam
Not exactly Faulkner."-Al (Play it Again, Seymour)
"You know, Allison could be the killer No.-Sam
No?-Al
No!!-Sam
No, why are you saying no? Because her body could part the Red Army?"-Al (Play it Again, Seymour)
"You're Nick Allen! You're the best!-Seymour
That's what I always said.-Allison
Oh boy!"-Sam and Al (Play it Again, Seymour)
"Sam, wow. Allison is a killer!-Al
And Nick wrote that?-Sam
Oh, the book, No! No, I'm talking about her body.-Al
Oh, Al...-Sam
She reminds me of this red-head in Philly...-Al
Al, so help me, if you start with one of your sleazy sex stories, hologram or no hologram, I'll slug ya.-Sam
Sleazy?-Al
Sleazy.-Sam
Oh, Sam, you know, there's, there's sleaze and there's sleaze"-Al (Play it Again, Seymour)
"Well, you know, some women have kinky taste of men. Thank God."-Al (Play it Again, Seymour)
"It just seems like the most logical explanation.-Sam
Well, a more logical one is that Allison is the clapper. If you want to have safe sex with her, you'd better wear a bullet-proof vest."-Al (Play it Again, Seymour)
"Well, I want to tell you something, pal. You haven't been getting any lately...-Al
Don't compare me to yourself. I think with my brain and I don't cloud my judgement with a bottle."-Sam (Play it Again, Seymour)
"Why do we hurt people for telling us the truth? Al was right. When it came to Allison, I was as blind as a dead bat and tighter than a granny knot at a cub scout picnic. My god, I'm thinking like Seymour."-Sam (Play it Again, Seymour)
"You're bleeding!-Allison
It's just a scratch...Angel."-Sam (Play it Again, Seymour)
"What took you so long, Seymour?-Sam
The canaries were harder to find than a hooker on Sunday morning.-Seymour
Plenty of canaries...plenty of cabs from what I could see.-Sam
When I finally got one, this hard harry with a kisser that could break your mirrors in the next apartment stepped on my daisy crushers and...-Seymour
Stop it. No one can be as nerdy as you're acting.-Sam
Nerdy?-Allison and Seymour
Wimpy, wussy, dopey, goofy..."-Sam (Play it Again, Seymour)
"Look, you've been on me closer than my underwear, and it's getting boring."-Sam (Play it Again, Seymour)
"I got it. You laid a Ben Franklin on the coctail shaker at the Blue Island and he opened up like a pencil pusher from Toledo on his third martini.-Seymour
I gave the bartender at the club a hundred dollars and he started talking like an accountant from Toledo who had one too many?-Sam
That's what I said!-Seymour
Oh, God, I understood ya!"-Sam (Play it Again, Seymour)
"If you eyeball my main squeeze, peeping tom her until you can ???? her.-Sam
Main sqeeze?-Seymour
Allison.-Sam
Main squeeze? I gotta remember that one.-Seymour
What's the matter, Al? I thought you were up in all this private eye lingo.-Sam
No, I understood you. I'm just wondering how in twenty years "main squeeze" gets from Seymour to ???."-Al (Play it Again, Seymour)
"Where are you goin'?-Sam
I'm gonna check the ladies room.-Al
Al!-Sam
Somebody's gotta do it!"-Al (Play it Again, Seymour)
"You couldn't hit an elephant in a tunnel."-Al (Play it Again, Seymour)
"Do you ever clean your mustache, you've got gunk in there, it's yucky!"-Al (Play it Again, Seymour)
"Don't even think about it, you mug!-Sam Sam, Sam, that's Edward G. Robinson."-Al (Play it Again, Seymour)
"You go on board, Angel. I'll join you in a minute.-Sam
Don't make me wait too long. It's a sleeper flight."-Allison (Play it Again, Seymour)
"Nick! He tried to kill me, to choke me to death.-Seymour
Don't you mean the looney tune tried to fog me with a chicken throttle?-Sam
This was for real.-Seymour
Isn't that what you're looking for, Seymour? A chance to duke it out with the hard harrys on a night as quiet as the city morgue on a slow day.-Sam
Maybe it would be more fun to just read about it.-Seymour
Or write about it."-Sam (Play it Again, Seymour)
"The fog was as thick as hashouse oatmeal, and twice as cold as her hips said goodbye. Maybe she was too much moonlight and orchids for me, but I couldn't help wishin' that my daisy crunchers and her's could be outside the same hotel room door.-Seymour
We're here to launch a new pulp novelist.-Al
No..no no no no no.-Sam
Sam, I think...-Al
Don't say it, Al.-Sam
...this is the start of a wonderful friendship!-Al
You couldn't resist, could ya."-Sam (Play it Again, Seymour)
HONEYMOON EXPRESS
"No, Senator, I'm referring to him (pointing upwards)-Al Or her...-Female Senator I hope you're right, Senator!"-Al (Honeymoon Express)
"Sam, she's not interested in Torts and Writs, she's interested in...."-Al
"Al, I'm a newleywed, can you believe it! And on my honeymoon!-Sam You lucky dog!-Al Lucky! Al, that woman is a complete stranger to me. (To God) Why are you wasting this on him?-Al Come on, come on, (whistle) here boy!"-Sam (Honeymoon Express)
"In two days, the Russians are going to shoot down the U2.-Al The rock group?"-Sam (Honeymoon Express)
"He says there's a 78%...78.6% chance you're here to help Diane pass her bar....exam. Bar exam.-Al Uh huh! Well, that's more like it! How do we do that?-Sam Well, you go back in your compartment there, and by now she's only wearing a little black neglige that has a little black ribbon right about here, which when you pull it unveils..-Al Al, Al!-Sam Yeah, then you, you take her in your arms and you make mad, passionate love to her. Then, you make more mad, passionate love to her and then you make more...-Al Al, I get the idea, all right?-Sam OK, then, just before she falls asleep from complete and utter exhaustion, you whisper lovingly in her ear 'you will pass your bar', 'you will pass your bar', ' you will tell your daddy to tell Ike not to send up the U2.'"-Al (Honeymoon Express)
"Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom.-Sam Not the men's room again! Sam, I'm startin' to feel like a pervert!"-Al (Honeymoon Express)
"You know, my, my first wife and I spent our honeymoon on the train to Niagara Falls. And my third wife. And my fourth wife...or was it the fifth? Fourth or the fifth. Now let's see...the fourth was named Sharon. She wore pink babydolls. Maxine was the fifth one. She didn't wear anything at all. She used to flavor her toes with mint leaves. It was Maxine, Sam. I took my first, third, and fifth wife to Niagara Falls.-Al How odd.-Sam That's funny, Sam.-Al" (Honeymoon Express)
"Al, she thinks I'm her husband, the man that she married this morning at who knows where and in a few minutes she's going to expect me to go in their and make love to her.-Sam What's the problem?Al I'm not her husband!-Sam To her you are.-Al But not to me. Al, it's not morally right to sleep with a woman that you don't love.-Sam I agree.-Al You agree?-Sam I have loved every woman I ever slept with...at the time I slept with them."-Al (Honeymoon Express)
"Oh, Sam. You're gonna have to bit the bullet. While I go back to put research on line, you're gonna have to face a beautiful woman who wants to spend the entire night making mad, passionate love to you. It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it!"-Al (Honeymoon Express)
"Is this really what you want me to do? If it is, I wish you'd give me a sign.-Sam (Diana is there in a black neglige) Oh boy!"-Sam (Honeymoon Express)
"Ziggy says your best shot is to have the conductor radio ahead for the police because Roget is wanted in New York for murdering his psychiatrist...You swim with the sharks, you get bit."-Al (Honeymoon Express)
"Oh, I'd rather be dead!"-Sam (Disco Inferno)
"A mood ring. From the self-obsessed seventies when everyone was getting in touch with their feelings.-Sam It's for getting in touch with your feelings!"-Disco Woman (Disco Inferno)
"Al, this is worse than anything imaginable.-Sam What are you talking about, Sam? You're on the set of the low-budget disaster movie, 'Disco Inferno' with lights, camera, (sees women) plenty of action."-Al (Disco Inferno)
"What? You tell me I'm the butt of some cosmic April Fool's joke?-Sam (Disco Inferno)
"Ziggy, he crashed on us the other night, and ever since he's been doing screwball things, like he put extra zeros on everybody's paycheck. So, half the staff rushed out on vacation."-Al (Disco Inferno)
"Great, that's great. You're star-struck!"-Sam (Disco Inferno)
"Hey, look at those old 8-track tapes!-Sam You just bought those.-Chris Yeah, well, they get old pretty fast."-Sam (Disco Inferno)
"Disco's not gonna last forever. I've got a feeling it's probably gonna die in a couple of years."-Sam (Disco Inferno)
"Sam, wake up and smell the 70's! You're looking at genuine, 100%, high-grade, virgin polyester. The only thing that got me more women was my spacesuit. This comes from the days when I was king! I had outer space behind me, Star Bright project ahead of me, and I was a dancing machine!-Al Is Ziggy fixed yet?-Sam We're having some problems with him.Uh. Right now he's...right now he's Japanese. That's what you get from feeding him those foreign microchips."-Al (Disco Inferno)
"I don't think I can do this.-Sam Well, you got to if you want to leap outa here.-Al To what, my death?"-Sam (Disco Inferno)
"It's Ben! It's Ben Cartwright! Sam! Look! Look! It's Ben Cartwright!...Sam! Hang on! Ben Cartwright is gonna save you. I don't believe it!"-Al (Disco Inferno)
"Do what you do best. It'll take a lot more courage than jumping off buildings."-Sam (Disco Inferno)
"Look! You were exposed to all that heat, yet your mood ring is bright blue! You know what that means?-Disco Woman I guess I'm in a good mood."-Sam (Disco Inferno)
"Well, you know, just sometimes you feel a little alone, that's all.-Sam What do you mean? I mean, it's not much, but 'cha got me!"-Al (Disco Inferno)
"You know, I think I saw this movie once on cable, we're talking two thumbs down.-Al I'm back in the seventies!-Sam Yeah, well it was one of the happiest times of my life...-Al ...the 'me' decade where everybody has the morality of two dogs in the park.-Sam What are you doing? What's the matter?-Al Ah, my mood ring is stuck.-Sam Oh. Gee. Looks like you're in a bad mood, Sam."-Al (Disco Inferno)
THE AMERICANIZATION OF MACHIKO
"Oh my God. I'm Popeye!"-Sam (The Americanization of Machiko)
"Personally, I'd rather be in Vegas!...I did look around, I'm glad I'm a hologram! I almost stepped in it!"-Al (The Americanization of Machiko)
"Taking a little time out for a row in the hay, Sam?...When I think of all the times you tried to make me feel like a sleaze?"-Al (The Americanization of Machiko)
"You know something, Sam? I would 'a given him a pop on the lip, 'cause he deserves it!-Al What's the point?"-Sam (The Americanization of Machiko)
"Some people can never forgive. Not even themselves."-???? (The Americanization of Machiko)
"You know, I just love weddings. Maybe it's because I've been married...five times."-Al (The Americanization of Machiko)
"The only thing that'll shock her is a cattle prod."-Al (The Americanization of Machiko)
"Sayonara, Sam!"-Al (The Americanization of Machiko)
"Wow!-Sam It's true. No, you could lower that (a towel covering Sam's "breasts").-Al I'm a woman!-Sam And I'm in love. If it was anybody else, Sam, I'd be all over you like a cheap suit.-Al Stop it.-Sam What? I'm just...I'm enjoying the view. Let's face it, you're a knockout."-Al (What Price Gloria?)
"Whatever you say, beautiful.-Al Get out here. Just get out of my bathroom! (to God) You have a wonderful sense of humor."-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"I'm wearing three inch heels and trying desperately not to fall on my....face.-Sam I told you, you should have worn a girdle.-Gloria I'm not into bondage."-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"Great, I'm a golddigger."-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"Two hours of Samantha and I knew the lyrics to 'I Enjoy Being a Girl' were not written by one."-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"(To God) Whatever I did, I'm sorry."-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"This is sexual harassment-Sam I don't know what that is, but I like the sound of it."-Buddy Wright (What Price Gloria?)
"How's the girl of my dreams? You know, it's a pity they didn't have the wet look in sixty-one. 'Cause you would look fabulous with wet lips.-Al I'm so happy about that.-Sam This is hard on me, Sam. It's hard on me. I can't stop thinking about you. Time has packaged my best friend inside a Goddess of Love. It's got me worried, Sam. I'm talking to Dr. Beeks."-Al (What Price Gloria?)
"I had before me a first-hand definition of sleaze. Buddy had perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect eyes and perfect chin. But they weren't the arrow that made women like Gloria fall. It was the velvet tones all neatly wrapped in wit and charm...He was a master of manipulation. And he knew."-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"Don't even start unless you want to eat your teeth for lunch."-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"I want a beer. A light beer. I wanna make some microwave popcorn. I want to sit down in front of the T.V., start the VCR...-Sam Oh. That time of the month, huh?-Gloria Uh, no...I don't think so."-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"Personally, I prefer leaving the lights on. (to Bubbles the dog) You keep that up, tiny teeth, and I'll feed you to Ziggy!-Al Little testy tonight, aren't we?-Sam Well, you would be, too. (to Bubbles) I'm warning you!-Al What is your problem?-Sam You! You, you, you hermaphrodite, you! You're driving me crazy! I'm not performing with Tina so she thinks I've got somebody on the side. Beeks is laying this load of repressed homosexual crap on me, and every time I see you, I've got to deal with...this."-Al (What Price Gloria?)
"This is great, you know. Gloria won't listen to me. My best friend's got a crush on me, and I'm a woman. Whatever I did to deserve this--(to Bubbles) you listening to me?--I don't deserve this!"-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"What woman doesn't like being told how gorgeous she is?-Dick Me."-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"I've been with Beeks. She says I'm gonna need five years of analysis before I'll be able to deal with you as a woman.-Al I'm not a woman!-Sam That's what I keep telling myself."-Al (What Price Gloria?)
"You have got to be what makes you feel good about yourself...And then maybe you'll like you. 'Cause if you don't like yourself, Gloria, no one else will either. Except guys like Buddy. And you're not that desperate."-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"Oh, I hope when the right guy finds you, he realizes what a good woman you are!'-Gloria, to Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"Hi, cutie. You look great in powder blue.-Al I'm going to put a bell around your neck! Where were you?-Sam I was with Tina.-Al I thought you were having 'problems' with Tina.-Sam I was, but Beeks fixed that. She got me to accept that you're my best friend and love is a part of friendship. And once I believed that, I took Tina up to a little cabin in the mountains and...well...you know."-Al (What Price Gloria?)
"She never married? No. What a waste!"-Al (What Price Gloria?)
"Revenge? Oh, come on! I'm not leaping 'cause I want revenge?-Sam Very female."-Al (What Price Gloria?)
"Al was right. I wanted revenge. So, I slipped into Samantha's spiked heels, put on the most revealing dress I could get my... hairy chest into, and was ready to give Buddy a lesson in sexual harassment he'd never forget."-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"You're trying to make it with a man."-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"If you look closely, you'll notice that I walk like a man. I stand like a man. And I know things that only a man can know. Like, what it feels like to get kicked in the crotch, how the pain just keeps growing and growing, and then that wonderful sensation when it finally subsides. Or, what it's like to walk around High School with your books in front of you to cover up an embarrassing case of pubescent hormonal overload!-Sam You had a brother?-Buddy Does a brother tell his sister what he did looking at his first centerfold?"-Sam (What Price Gloria?)
"So, remember: a fool's dreams may be dreams, but they also belong to a fool."-Mrs. Stevens (Blind Faith)
"That reminds me of a girl I used to know. She had an act in Tiujuana. Her name was Evita Evilatita. She used to lie on her back on the bench and play oldies with her toesies. Then she would kneel on the bench and bend over and play modern music with her...-Al Al, Al. I get the picture, and thank you!-Sam She used to close the act singin' the National Anthem in forty different languages. Evita Evilatita!"-Al (Blind Faith)
"Sam, the women fainted and screamed when they saw [the Beatles] on T.V. That's how come the next day I went out and bought a long-haired wig."-Al (Blind Faith)
"You're a concert pianist?-Sam I couldn't play chopsticks in Chinatown!"-Al (Blind Faith)
"Your mother is afraid of cats!"-Al, insulting Chopin the dog (Blind Faith)
"Truly, this dog eats better than I do!-Al This dog works harder than you do."-Sam (Blind Faith)
"Sometimes I feel like a scientist in the middle of an experiment that nobody else believes in. But then you just have to tell yourself that you're the only person you can listen to, that you have to forget about the others."-Sam (Blind Faith)
"Sam! You can do better than chopsticks!"-Al (Blind Faith)
"All I need now is some sequins and a candelabra."-Al (Blind Faith)
GOOD MORNING, PREORIA
"Oy vey. I'm a rabbi!"-Sam (Thou Shalt Not...)
"My fourth wife...no, sorry, my third wife, Ruthie, was Jewish. She taught me the basics. 'Course, the more complicated stuff, the weddings and the circumcision, uh...you're on your own with that."-Al (Thou Shalt Not...)
"Oh, Sam! I love the Hora! I saw 'Fiddler on the Roof' five times!"-Al (Thou Shalt Not...)
"I hope you never leap into the Rockettes!"-Al (Thou Shalt Not...)
"According to Ziggy, in the year 5734...what? Oh, it's in Jewish years."-Al (Thou Shalt Not...)
"I can't believe that!-Sam Neither can I. What's wrong with a good old-fashioned one night stand? Unless you're married..."-Al (Thou Shalt Not...)
"Oh, thank you, Rabbi, thank you! Are you all right, Dr. Heimlich?"-Woman (Thou Shalt Not...)
"Sam! He hit you! That's great. That means he still loves her. Let him hit you again! (Sam is hit) I got you, Sam. (Sam falls through Al) I don't got you, Sam."-Al (Thou Shalt Not...)
"Good, Sam. You can really take a punch. Mazeltov!"-Al (Thou Shalt Not...)
"I'm retarded?"-Sam (Jimmy)
"You're not retarded, you're just 'slow.' "-Frank (Jimmy)
"This isn't going to work, Al.-Sam It has to work! There was a girl named Trudy...-Al Al, I don't have time for...-Sam She was retarded, Sam! Her IQ was lower than Jimmy's. And all the kids in the neighborhood, they used to tease her. Kids can be cruel. They'd call her names like 'dummy' and 'monkey-face.' And I hated it. And I used to get in fights all the time. But that's what big brothers are for, right? My mother couldn't handle it. That's probably why she ran off with this stupid encyclopedia salesman. But my dad tried to keep us all together. But he was a, you know, a construction worker, he went from job to job, and when it took him to the Middle East, I wound up in an orphanage, and she wound up in an institution. When I was old enough, I went back there for her. But it was too late. She was gone, Sam. Pneumonia, they said. How does a 16 year old girl die from pneumonia in 1953, Sam?! We're not going to lose Jimmy, right?-Al Right."-Sam (Jimmy)
"We sleep better when we read 'Tales of Gore?' "-Sam (Jimmy)
"If you die, you're never going to see 'Star Wars!' "-Sam (Jimmy)
"Please, God, let me say something legal!"-Sam (So Help Me God)
"It was three in the morning when I finished reading Leonard's briefs on the trail. Even then, I couldn't sleep, partly to avoid Scarlette O'Hara, but mostly because I was frightened for anyone who had me as their lawyer. All I knew about the law I got from watching a T.V. show who's name I couldn't even remember.-Sam Oh, if it isn't Perry Mason!-Al That's it!-Sam What's it?-Al Never mind, never mind. Where have you been?-Sam I've been sitting up all night with you! I mean, with Leonard. What a wimp. He spends half the morning in the fetal position, and then it took six hours to get him to talk.-Al What'd he say?-Sam He says 'I'm a lawyer. Take me to your leader.' Now, that's a terrifying prospect. The first alien contact on earth, and it's a lawyer."-Al (So Help Me God)
"Thank you, Perry Mason."-Sam (So Help Me God)
"Lila, if you can read, you can do anything you want."-Sam (So Help Me God)
"Quantum Leaping around in time has taught me how right Shakespeare was when he wrote 'All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts'...But this, this is rediculous!"-Sam (Catch a Falling Star)
"Don't do this to him! We're not launching any rockets! It's just a musical!"-Makeup Lady (Catch a Falling Star)
"Oh, this is so fabulous. The theater, Man of La Mancha, the stage, the lights, the music ...the girls!-Al Al, (whistles) Al!-Sam Al what?-Al I'm an actor!-Sam You lucky dog. I'd love to be standing in your makeup! I love the theater! The roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd...-Al I think that's the other way around.-Sam Well you, you never did Summer Stock."-Al (Catch a Falling Star)
" 'Oklahoma!' That's how come he was humming 'Chicks and dogs and pigs better scurry..'-Al Ducks-Sam ...'when I'...ducks? -Al It's 'ducks and geese', not 'pigs and dogs.'-Sam 'Ducks'?-Al Yeah.-Sam 'Ducks'? Are you sure it's not 'pigs and dogs'? They scurry, too."-Al (Catch a Falling Star)
"You were an actor ?-Sam Don't say it like it was a disease! Acting is the world's second oldest profession. Maybe the first. Yeah, prostitution could be considered a kind of a performance. In fact there's a lot of acting goes into a...-Al Al!"-Sam (Catch a Falling Star)
"I'm not an actor!"-Sam (Catch a Falling Star)
"Well, even if I remember the lyrics, can I sing?-Sam Not as well as I. But then, who can?-John O'Malley You are giving a terrific performance!-Al I am giving a terrific performance!"-John O'Malley (Catch a Falling Star)
"How could you pass up the chance to be a star?! To stand in the spotlight, to know that every eye is focused just on you!-Al (Sees Nicole from across the stage) It's Nicole.-Sam Nicole?-Al She was my piano teacher when I was a kid.-Sam She could tickle my ivories any time."-Al (Catch a Falling Star)
"Inspiration is never hoaky, my dear."-John O'Malley (Catch a Falling Star)
"This is my quest! To get to the bar! No matter how crowded! No matter how far!"-John O'Malley (Catch a Falling Star)
"I know you want me.-Manny No, I want Ray.-Michelle Ray wants out."-Sam (Catch a Falling Star)
"I have already seen thee in thy heart.-Sam as Don Quixote Your heart doesn't know much about women.-Nicole as Aldonza It knows all, my lady. They are the soul of man, the radiance that lights his way. A woman is...glory.-Sam Hey, that's, that's pretty good acting, Sam. I'm impressed. (Looks at Nicole) That is, if you're really acting.-Al What do you want of me?-Nicole What do you want of her?-Al Nothing.-Sam Liar!-Nicole I'm with her."-Al (Catch a Falling Star)
"I've seen that look before, Sam.-Al What look?-Sam That 'last-night-the-earth-moved' look."-Al (Catch a Falling Star)
"I can't have a life! All I do is live someone else's life. Right their wrongs, fight their fights. I feel like I'm Don Quixote!-Sam He loved pure, from afar. Well, that part was never big with me, either."-Al (Catch a Falling Star)
"Nicole, um, 'rehearsed' with John in his hotel room last night.-Sam So uh...Oh, you mean rehearsed a-ha-ha? Aw, women. You can't trust them. They just, they, they don't understand the double standard."-Al (Catch a Falling Star)
"You going to be all right?-Al What matter wounds to the body of a knight-errant? For each time he falls he shall rise again...and woe to the wicked! Al!-Sam Here, Your Grace!-Al My armor! My sword!-Sam More misadventures!-Al Adventures, old friend!"-Sam (Catch a Falling Star)
"How long have you been here?-Sam Long enough to know I wouldn't drink a toddy made by Lucrecia Borgia. She gives me the shivers."-Al (A Portrait for Troian)
"(The house) reminds me of an abandoned house from my old neighborhood. It was so scary nobody would even go near it. It was the perfect place for me to take Mira Boychick...to go bump in the night."-Al (A Portrait for Troian)
"I'll tell you what I think, pal. That lake is so ice cold that Julian needs someone to cuddle him."-Al (A Portrait for Troian)
"This family has suffered more unwanted drownings than unwanted kitty-cats."-Al (A Portrait for Troian)
"There are no such things as ghosts."-Sam (A Portrait for Troian)
"You tell Ziggy if he doesn't center me on Troian right now, I'm gonna feed his sex-sensory microchip to Tina's crocodile!"-Al (A Portrait for Troian)
"All I know is that I don't want anyone other than you hearing me...unless it's women.-Al You mean, like that blonde?-Sam Blond? Blonde! (sees blonde skeleton) Oh, I'm not into necrophelia.-Al At last, something sexual he's not into."-Sam (A Portrait for Troian)
ANIMAL FRAT
ANOTHER MOTHER
ALL-AMERICANS
"It's Super Bowl XXX, and the Steelers are down by 3."-Al (All-Americans)
HER CHARM
FREEDOM
"Al, look. I know I'm being a little irrational about this, but I'm the only one on Hilla's side.-Sam That's not true. She's got me.-Al You finally can see that she didn't do it?-Sam Hilla and I are both orphans. We gotta stick together."-Al (Good Night, Dear Heart)
"Warm summer sun, shine kindly here. Warm southern wind, blow softly here. Green sky (???) above, lie light, lie light. Goodnight, dear heart, good night, good night."-Sam (Good Night, Dear Heart)
"Aw, Sam, not the head again! Every time we leap in we gotta go talk in the men's room? It's disgusting.-Al Can you think of a better place to talk?-Sam The ladies' room."-Al (Pool Hall Blues)
"I couldn't shoot a game of pool with a shotgun."-Sam (Pool Hall Blues)
"You've made it. Maybe it took you twice as long, you've made it. And being the first bears some responsibility to those who are trying to make it behind you."-Sam (Pool Hall Blues)
"Pythagoras, we are going to shoot some pool!"-Sam (Pool Hall Blues)
"Gooshie says that there's an energy drain. The Pentagon is usurping our power supply ...It's gonna take a while, Sam. They must be working on their vacation plans, or something."-Al (Pool Hall Blues)
"What's King Arthur without Excaliber?"-Eddie (Pool Hall Blues)
LEAPING IN WITHOUT A NET
MAYBE BABY
SEA BRIDE
"Oh, this is Wuthering Heights. This is Romeo and Juliet. We're talking true love, here."-Al (Sea Bride)
"You can't let her marry this 'jabon.'-Al 'Jabon?'-Sam Yeah, it's Italian.-Al 'Jabon?' What's it mean?-Sam I forgot."-Al (Sea Bride) ---It actually means, 'ham.'
"If she loves me, why does she slap me?-Sam Sam, that means she loves you!"-Al (Sea Bride)
"Al, I'm not going there to be erotic.-Sam Forgive me, I forgot who I was talking to."-Al (Sea Bride)
"Besides, isn't it bad luck to shoot somebody the night before the wedding?-Sam Not in Brooklyn."-The Best Man (Sea Bride)
"Just think Cary Grant..What woman could resist Cary Grant in blue?"-Al (Sea Bride)
"It's the heels, Sam. Sam, you look cute in those three-inch high heels."-Al (M.I.A.)
"Hey, it's April Fool's Day!-Al That's all I need. A leap that's one big April Fool's day joke!"-Sam (M.I.A.)
"But don't you think that all these coincidences are a little strange if he (pointing to the higher power) doesn't want Beth and Dirk to fall in love?-Sam If he's the only one at work here. But you seem to be forgetting about him (pointing downwards).-Al I don't believe in the devil, Al.-Sam Yeah, well, maybe you would if you were locked up in a tiger cage that was too small for you to stand up and then too narrow for you to sit down in. Where you had to exist on weasel-infested rice and any rain water you could catch in your mouth. And the only thing that kept you alive was the memory of the woman you love. And if you survived that, once you come home, you find out that your wife has run off with some other guy. There's a devil, Sam. And he's trying to destroy Beth's life."-Al (M.I.A.)
"Al, don't go! Al, if you close that door, don't ever open it again! You know the rules, Al. We can't change our own lives.-Sam What are you talking about?-Al Why didn't you tell me?-Sam What?-Al Al...As much as I'd like it to be, I don't think I'm here to keep you and Beth together.-Sam Oh, yes you are, Sam. Yeah. Uh, Ziggy says the odds are...they're real good.-Al Real good?-Sam Yeah.-Al How good?-Sam Oh, they're, you know. They're way up there.-Al Show me.-Sam Ah, Sam. God, I love her. Beth is the only woman I ever really loved. She's the only one I ever wanted to grow old with. That's why all my marriages never worked after that. Sam, if you're lucky life is going to give you one shot at true love. And Beth was mine. I lost her, but you can get her back.-Al God, Al, I wish I could. But I can't. An no one knows that better than you-Sam No, I don't know it.-Al In your heart you do.-Sam No, no! You leaped in here to get Beth and me back together!-Al What if there was something more important?-Sam More important..."-Al (M.I.A.)
"Beth, I missed you so much. It's been such a long time. Twenty-five years. Of course, you haven't changed, but I have. I'm an Admiral now. Me, the Ensign who said that anyone with the rank above Lieutenant was a horse's ass. (Beth laughs) Beth, you didn't hear me, did you? Oh, Beth, tell me you can hear me! (She walks through him, puts "Georgia On My Mind" on the turn-table, and starts to dance.) Look at me, Beth. Aw, Sam, why did you make me do this? (Starts to dance in her arms). I want you to wait for me, Beth. Don't give up, honey. 'Cause I'm alive out there. And I'm only alive because of our love. Someday, oh Beth, someday I'm gonna come back home to you. (Kisses her forehead and disappears).-Al Al...?"-Beth (M.I.A.)
THE LEAP HOME I
THE LEAP HOME II (VIETNAM)
"Leaping into other people's lives can be an incredibly emtional experience. In fact, sometimes it can be downright spiritual."-Sam (Leap Of Faith)
"Frank, where'd you learn to use your feet like that?-Father Uh, well, uh, old Chinese movies."-Sam (Leap Of Faith)
"We all, uh, wonder sometimes if we're doing the right thing and I guess all you can do is just believe that you'll make a difference in the long run...I wouldn't be here if I didn't"-Sam (Leap Of Faith)
"It's a little past your bedtime, isn't it?-Al Not if you don't know where your bed is.-Sam Ya got a point there. How's uh, Father Mack?-Al Well, he's still alive. Physically, at least. I don't know about his soul. I think he's losing his faith as fast as his bottles.-Sam Heah, that happens. It happens to priests more than you'd think.-Al What's going on, Al? I mean, ever since we've started this leap you, you've been acting like you hate being here. What, is something wrong with Tina, the Project, what?-Sam Tina's...she's fine. I think that collar's going to your head.-Al It has nothing to do with the collar. Would you at least just talk to me? What, what is it this place, the church, is that it? What?-Sam You remember how I told you about how my dad put my sister and me in an orphanage because he couldn't take care of us?-Al Yeah.-Sam Well, I was ten years old when he came back. He was all excited about this money that he'd earned in the oil fields in Saudi Arabia. He said it was going to give us a great new start, and nothing could ever separate us again. He even bought a house. It was not a big one, but it was the greatest house I remember seein.' Well, then he got sick. He got sick and it got worse and worse and worse until he had to go to the hospital, and it turns out he had cancer. Well, I go to see him and he says to me 'don't worry. Everything will be all right as long as you pray for me. So, I did. Every day I went to church and I prayed and I prayed and I prayed my heart out until the day he died.-Al I'm sorry. I forgot-Sam Oh, you didn't forget. You didn't know. I never told you."-Al (Leap of Faith)
"Keep movin' or you're gonna get your...-Father Mack ...head knocked off!"-his boxing students (Leap of Faith)
"Listen, Father. I 'ain't gonna be able to make it this afternoon.-Student You need a lot of work on that heavy bag.-Father Mack I'd like to, but I do a part-time workin' over at Fazio's Butcher Shop. I sort of need the money.-Student OK. I understand. Maybe tomorrow, uh?-Father Mack You know, uh. I saw this movie once where this guy used the beef hanging up in a meat freezer as a punching bag. You might give it a try.-Sam Beef....Yo!-Student 'Yo!'...ha ha ha (sees locker with the student's name: S. Stallone)."-Sam (Leap of Faith)
"Just forgive everybody and don't talk too much."-Al (Leap Of Faith)
"Oh, God. Don't do this. I swore I would never have anything to do with you again. But you can't do this. He's done too much. He's helped too many people. You can't take him like this!-Al Frank! God, Frank!-Father Mack Where am I?-Sam (To God) Thanks."-Al (Leap of Faith)
"You did a great job, Sam.-Al Well, so did you.-Sam Me? What? I didn't....what'd I do? I didn't do anything.-Al You prayed for me."-Sam (Leap of Faith)
ONE STROBE OVER THE LINE
THE B**G*EM*N
"Everything has an explanation. We just haven't found it yet."-Sam (The B**g*em*n)
"Them that dance with the devil are bound to get scorched."-Tulley (The B**g*em*n)
MISS DEEP SOUTH
BLACK ON WHITE ON FIRE
THE GREAT SPONTINI
REBEL WITHOUT A CLUE
"The road is not made of asphalt, but of the people we meet."-Jack Kerouac (Rebel Without A Clue)
A LITTLE MIRACLE
RUNAWAY
8 1/2 MONTHS (BILLY JEAN)
FUTURE BOY
"How come you can never find a time machine when you need one?" -Captain Galaxy (Future Boy)
PRIVATE DANCER
PIANO MAN
SOUTHERN COMFORTS
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do. But if ya do, take pictures." -Al (Southern Comforts)
"What kind of whorehouse is this?-Patron One where no one has to do anything they don't want to." -Sam (Southern Comforts)
GLITTER ROCK
"The me I am is all that's real to me."-Sam, "Fate's Wide Wheel" (Glitter Rock)
A-HUNTING WE WILL GO
"There are five stages of love: the first is denial, the second is sex, then there's acceptance, then there's divorce, and then there's more sex, if you're lucky...."-Al (A-Hunting We Will Go)
LAST DANCE BEFORE AN EXECUTION
HEART OF A CHAMPION
NUCLEAR FAMILY
SHOCK THEATER
"Learn to write and read, you know it's guaranteed - plant the seed and you'll get the flower."-Al, "Alphabet Song Rap" (Shock Theatre)
"Come on you rotten pile of Gummi Bears!"-Al (The Leap Back)
"Do you know what this means?-Sam What?-Al It's MY turn to slip into the powder room like the Invisible Man... it's my turn."- Sam (The Leap Back)
"Al, my name is Al...-Al Al what?-Sam You think I've forgotten my last name?-Al I'm about to bet on it.-Sam Well, you'd lose...it's Beckett...Al Beckett. Ha!-Al It's Calavicci...Al Calavicci. Ha!-Sam Calavicci? It's not Beckett?-Al No.-Sam Well, then who the hell is Beckett?-Al Me...I'm Beckett."-Sam (The Leap Back)
"Yeah, this is Top Secret and I'm evaluating it for the Pentagon.-Al That's good enough, put it away.-Sam Put it away."-Al (The Leap Back)
"Hellooo, baby! Ha ha! Revenge is mine, thus sayeth the hologram!"-Sam (The Leap Back)
"Ask him, how she is.-Sam How she is."-Al (The Leap Back)
"Are you okay?-Mike I'm just a little woozy from the le...uh, flight.-Al Good catch."-Sam (The Leap Back)
"Happy milkman?"-Sam (The Leap Back)
"Why do I feel this is gonna be a big number."-Al, talking about the half-life of a radium ring (The Leap Back)
"Yumola!"-Sam, looking at the girl in the calendar(The Leap Back)
"Boy, did they have women with big kasooms!"- Sam (The Leap Back)
"Are you forgetting who slips you a pound of butter now and then?-Kelly I didn't know I was swapping sugar for it.-Mike Well, if a pound of butter is all it takes, I got me a dairy farm that I've...-Sam Stop that!-Al Oh! I am so sorry! That's a horrible thing to say! I don't know what came over me! ...Oh yes I do! Yes I do! It's your fault!-Sam My fault?!-Al When I Leaped, I must have gotten part of your lecherous side due to the Leap.-Sam No! It's tough coming back from war.-Mike Oh my God, you've got a filthy mind!-Sam You're the one saying all the dirty things!"-Al (The Leap Back)
"Al...Al, if you keep this up I'm gonna have to throw a bucket of cold water to separate you two."-Sam (The Leap Back)
"Aha, Al, I think that's why you're here. You're here to get Suzanne to sleep with you...marry you."-Sam (The Leap Back)
"What are you doing?-Clifford Sucking face, pal, with my buddy here, it's very big in the 70's... 80's....-Sam Will you shut up?!?!-Al Sucka... sucka... sucka..."-Sam (The Leap Back)
"Well, you're about to find out, knucklenose-Sam (The Leap Back)
"What are my mother and father going to say about that?-Clifford Cancel the church, cancel the reception, cancel the tux, the cake...-Sam (The Leap Back)
"It's only natural that you have some old yearnings.-Clifford Boy, I'd like to satisfy 'em. What am I saying?"-Sam (The Leap Back)
"I like running barefoot through sprinklers.-Al Me too."-Suzanne (The Leap Back)
"Those of us that stayed back home made sacrifices too but we didn't get any of the glory.-Clifford You just got all the women."-Al (The Leap Back)
"Well, I'll tell you something... I just had one of Kelly's breakfasts and I feel like I could take on Mike Tyson.-Al No! This isn't the guy who married Beth!-Sam Who's Mike Tyson?-Mike Never mind!!!"-Al (The Leap Back)
"We don't even know why you're here!-Sam I think I'm here to kick Clifford's butt!"-Al (The Leap Back)
"You think a one-legged man could do that move?-Mike Uh, sure, if you could drive this truck. Worst thing that could happen is that you'd end up on your butt."-Al (The Leap Back)
"This isn't fair, Sam! A beautiful body like that and I'm just thinking pure thoughts! Dammit!"-Al (The Leap Back)
"Ziggy's not even gonna be a gleam in my eye for another 50 years or so!"-Sam (The Leap Back)
"Who's going to wait 54 years to deliver a letter?-Al The post office."-Sam (The Leap Back)
"We'll mail Doc Croznoff a letter with, say, a hundred dollars.-Sam For the stamp?"-Al (The Leap Back)
"Well, Ziggy you're looking very user friendly.-Sam I see that simo-leaping with Admiral Calavicci has had a positive effect on you. You're in for some pleasant surprises, Dr. Elesee." -Ziggy (The Leap Back)
"Ziggy!-Sam Yesssssssss?-Ziggy Do you have enough...-Sam ...data to give you a reasonable, accurate projection as to why Admiral Calavicci has leapt into Crown Point, Indiana in the year 1945?-Ziggy Yes!-Sam No."-Ziggy (The Leap Back)
"Do you have any data on Admiral Calavicci?-Sam He'll kiss the girls and make them cry.-Ziggy Oh, ain't that the truth."-Tina (The Leap Back)
"Actually, I was doing quite well absorbing the year until Franklin Delano Roosevelt died...it depressed me."-Ziggy (The Leap Back)
"I believe your brain is still slightly magnafluxed, Dr. Beckett... or you'd remember, I never experience guilt. That's a flaw only found in human computers. Good night, Doctor... have fun you two."-Ziggy (The Leap Back)
"Ziggy!-Sam It won't do you any good.-Donna Why did I give him Barbara Streisand's ego?"-Sam (The Leap Back)
"And every time Clifford kissed me. I'd close my eyes and pretend it was you.-Suzanne Take a hike, Mr. Morals! Calavicci's taking over!"-Al (The Leap Back)
"Sorry to interrupt your first night of matrimonial bliss in four years..."- Ziggy (The Leap Back)
"That was a quickie, Dr. Beckett."- Ziggy (The Leap Back)
"What do you got on Al?-Sam He's 175.26 centimeters tall, weighs 70.91... -Ziggy Ziggy!-Sam Yes, Doctor?-Ziggy Give me what I want, baby!-Sam Ooh, if you weren't my father!"-Ziggy (The Leap Back)
"The Crown Point Gazette. Isn't that a parochial name?"- Ziggy (The Leap Back)
"Why do human beings die for love?-Ziggy Check Shakespeare.-Sam Thank you, Doctor.-Ziggy Not now!-Sam Why not? With a million gigabyte capacity I'm quite capable of rubbing my tummy, patting my head, and doing a trillion floating point operations at once."- Ziggy (The Leap Back)
"Maybe it [the handlink] just needs a little encouragement too."- Suzanne (The Leap Back)
"Al, you didn't!-Sam Sam!-Al Who?-Suzanne How could you! Of course how could you not?"- Sam (The Leap Back)
"Look, we need to talk alone, okay? Where's a men's room when you need one?"- Sam (The Leap Back)
"Sam!-Al What am I doing?-Sam You dog!-Al Well, it's your filthy mind!-Sam Well, I want my mind back! These choir boy thoughts are driving me nuts!-Al Well they didn't seem to stop you a few minutes ago."-Sam (The Leap Back)
"I've never experienced anything quite like that and I guess I owe that to you.-Al Yeah, well, I guess I owe you one too.-Sam Just one?"-Al (The Leap Back)
"In an apparent double su... double su... icide... suicide, a double suicide!"-Sam (The Leap Back)
"Dammit, Ziggy! Tell me something I don't know!-Sam Tina is having an affair with Gooshie."-Ziggy (The Leap Back)
"Mmm... Great legs, Doctor."-Ziggy (The Leap Back)
PLAY BALL
HURRICANE
JUSTICE
"I do not want to go on living in a world where fear and hate hide behind a call for justice"-Sam (Justice)
PERMANENT WAVE
RAPED
"We can't change what happened, but we can change what WILL happen." -Sam (Raped)
THE WRONG STUFF
DREAMS
A SINGLE DROP OF RAIN
"We bother, because that's what we do. We're professional botherers." -Sam and Al (A Single Drop Of Rain)
"Some people are like the foundation of a building....unseen, never noticed, but crucial to holding up all that is around them. And if that foundation should crumble.... "- Sam (A Single Drop Of Rain)
UNCHAINED
THE PLAY'S THE THING
"You can't hit a home run if you never step up to the plate."-Sam (The Play's The Thing)
RUNNING FOR HONOR
TEMPTATION EYES
"Nice hat! Really stylish, awesome, fantastic outfit, too. What happened? Did Tonto and Bill Hickock have a collision?"-Al (The Last Gunfighter)
"You sure you're not a walking add for a fringe company?"-Al (The Last Gunfighter)
"Hey, do you want me to tell you this stuff, or do you want to read it?"-Al (The Last Gunfighter)
"In the meantime, Hi Ho Silver...oy vey!"-Al (The Last Gunfighter)
"Hey! You! Didn't you come outa 'Bonanza?' That was Hoss. Oh, Sam, I just saw the guy from 'Bonanza!' He was driving a pair of...(sees woman's cleavage) pair, pair, pair! There, now that's a pair!"-Al (The Last Gunfighter)
"This guy's killed more men than Clint Eastwood."-Al (The Last Gunfighter)
"Guns don't solve anything.-Sam Unless you're the last man standing...uh...sorry."-Al (The Last Gunfighter)
"So, what is this Tyler guy sayin', anyway, back in the waiting room?-Sam He says he wants a drink and he wants another physical.-Al Another?-Sam He likes the nurses."-Al (The Last Gunfighter)
"Doesn't really matter what other people do or say. What matters is what you know in here (points to his heart) about yourself and about others. Because the most important person you have to listen to is you."-Sam (The Last Gunfighter)
"Are we in the head-pounding stage, or in the spinning, rising wave of nausea? Mnnm?"-Al (The Last Gunfighter)
"Oh, my God. Don't tell me you were a gunslinger in the Navy!-Sam Well, back in the old day, we're called Gunfighters, or Pistalleros, or, uh, Shootists. And I had the best quick-draw artist in America teach me.-Al Really?-Sam Yes, really. Her name...-Al Her name...-Sam ...was Fifi "Boom-Boom" LaRou-Al Al...-Sam She was a stripper in New Orleans. She had the finest matched pair...-Al Al!!!!-Sam ...of...matched pair of 44 pistols. She had little sequined holsters, real cute. It was part of her act, but she could draw, let me tell you, I know. 'Cause I studied her...-Al Yeah, I bet you...-Sam ..very closely.-Al Yeah, I bet you did."-Sam (The Last Gunfighter)
"Sam, this is completely loony.-Al I guess sometimes you can't run away from your fate, can ya?"-Sam (The Last Gunfighter)
"Sam, don't worry, OK? 'Cause, I...I'm gonna think of something clever to get you outa this.-Al Sometimes there isn't a clever way, Al."-Sam (The Last Gunfighter)
"What do you know?-Sam Know about what?-Lanelle What do you know! Ye, you still have this old picture of us!-Sam Good recovery, Sam!-Al I just got that printed last week.-Lanelle Oh, not so good-Al Boy, time sure flies when you're having fun, doesn't it?-Sam Yeah, you should have quit while you were ahead."-Al (A Song For The Soul)
"All it takes is a good preacher to make you remember that the devil is out there just waiting to get cha!"-Al (A Song For The Soul)
"Watch out for this guy, Sam. He's slicker than spit on a patent-leather shoe...trust me, Sam, this guy is a snake."-Al (A Song For The Soul)
"Ziggy should have a little more faith in human nature.-Sam Ziggy says 'That's the problem.' "-Al (A Song For The Soul)
"Whenever you fly, they tell you in emergencies to put your head between your legs. I guess that makes it easier to kiss your butt goodbye."-Sam (Ghost Ship)
"What a bird! They don't make planes the way they used to...or stewardesses!"-Al (Ghost Ship)
"She's got acute..append...apendikitus...apendikitus-Al Dickitus? Appendicitis? Appendicitis?!-Sam What's cute about that?"-Al (Ghost Ship)
"This thing has gone blooey on me. I can't get anything on it. It's because we're in the Bermuda Triangle.-Al It's because the handlink always goes blooey.-Sam Not this blooey!"-Al (Ghost Ship)
"The controls. You've got to handle them gently, like a woman."-Al (Ghost Ship)
"I can fly!-Sam You can dial!"-Al (Ghost Ship)
"We're baaaack!"-Al (Ghost Ship)
"Al, how could we just disappear without a trace?-Sam Because we're right smack dab in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle! Whole ships disappeared. Planes, boats, jets, fish, birds...-Al Al!-Sam What? What? What?-Al You're disappearing!"-Sam (Ghost Ship)
"Just what I need. A lifetime job flying in the Bermuda Triangle."-Sam (Ghost Ship)
"Leaping about in time, I've come to expect a few surprises. But it's a little hard to prepare for a head-butt from a stranger."-Sam (Roberto!)
"I got head-butted by the Führer!"-Sam (Roberto!)
"So all I have to do then, is to...-Sam Stay a smart mouth, be a wise-guy, be a big fat...-Al I get it, OK? I'm not that kind of person, though. That's not my natural way.-Sam It's OK. You just read my lips, you'll be fine."-Al (Roberto!)
"What's the matter, did you fall off your broomstick this morning?"-Al and Sam (Roberto!)
"What should I buy with $100?-Jani How about lingerie? I'll help!-Al Maybe a nice bottle of wine. Yeah, a real expensive bottle of wine. Imported, perhaps a French Bordeaux. You can afford that, can't you?-Jani I was just wondering if imported French wine goes with crow.-Sam Get in the car.-Jani Oh, she's going to eat crow! Oh ha ha ha! That's a good one, Sam. Yeah, 'wine goes with crow.' Ha ha! I'll catch up with you later!"-Al (Roberto!)
"So, what about you?-Jani Humn?-Sam Why did you get into this business?-Jani Well, I kinda leaped into it by accident. Sort of like it now. I haven't really thought much about why. You know, I guess I kind of see myself as a champion of underdogs every-where."-Sam (Roberto!)
"Oooh!...That's it! That's what I couldn't put my finger on before! It's the eyes, it's the haircut, the bearing. A lot of the guys in this place are militaryitis!"-Al (Roberto!)
"Why do I suddenly feel like I'm a step behind you. I never used to fee that way.-Jani Well, I don't know, I, uh...-Sam It's annoying, isn't it? That's what you get working with a genius!"-Al (Roberto!)
"Well, that just about wraps up our show today on 'Friends of Fruits and Veggies.' Join us tomorrow on 'Roberto!' Until then, have a nice day."-Sam (Roberto!)
"Oh, 'I brake for holograms,' uh?"-Al (It's a Wonderful Leap)
"Leaping around in time, I've run into many people. But never over one."-Sam (It's a Wonderful Leap)
"And you probably already know why you're here.-Al Yes, I do.-Sam Why?-Al I do. For her.-Sam What?!?-Al Yes.-Sam For Carmen Miranda without the banana hat?! Come on!"-Al (It's a Wonderful Leap)
"You should not be tempted to listen to that devil! He don't know what he's talking about!-Angela And which devil might you be talking about?-Sam The one in the horrible red suit!-Angela You can see him?-Sam Well, he's hard to miss in a monkey suit.-Angela Hey!-Al I don't believe this.-Sam Yeah, I don't believe it either.-Angela Yeah, well listen to me, Charro. You're not exactly decked out for the cover of Vogue!-Al Mnn, no? Well, this was the craziest in my day.-Angela Yeah, it's even crazier now. That's how come she can see me.-Al Have you been able to see him the whole time?-Sam Yes.-Angela Then why didn't you say anything?-Sam Well, I thought that if I ignored him, he'd go away.-Angela You know what, this, uh, this flapper is beginning to get on my nerves.-Al Yeah, well he gives me the gibby-beebies.-Angela Heebie-geebies.-Sam What?-Angela It's 'He gives me the heebie-geebies.'-Sam You too? See, you make us both sick.-Angela This is incredible.-Sam No, it isn't, Sam.-Al Yes it is.-Sam No, you forget; small kids, animals and (whistles with finger circling side of head) can see me.-Al And don't forget about angels.-Angela You're....you're an angel?-Sam Si.-Angela What?-Al I'm an angel.-Angela Oh, well, see that does it. Case closed. Driver, take us to Bell View and step on it!-Al You! What about you? You, you walk through cars, you appear out of nowhere..-Angela That's because I'm from the future.-Al And I'm crazy?!-Angela You're serious about this angel thing, aren't you?-Sam Yes, I...I told you when I said my name.-Angela Angela is 'angel' in Spanish.-Sam I was born on Angelita, which means 'little angel.' But, as you can see, I grew up.-Angela Yeah, they must serve plenty of sweets in Heaven.-Al You never gonna get there, so you never gonna know.-Angela What do you mean? Why not?-Al There's a dress code.-Angela You know, if I wasn't a gentleman, and a hologram....."-Al (It's a Wonderful Leap)
"First we got to figure out a way to get rid of chiquita banana."-Al (It's a Wonderful Leap)
"I'm not loud, I'm just Puerto Rican!"-Angela (It's a Wonderful Leap)
"You'd better watch it, chico! I know the Boss!"-Angela (It's a Wonderful Leap)
"Oh, look what the pig dragged in!-Angela It's 'cat.'-Sam You've never lived in Puerto Rico."-Angela (It's a Wonderful Leap)
"You not know a miracle when you see one."-Angela (It's a Wonderful Leap)
"I'm not a ghost. I'm an angel."-Angela (It's a Wonderful Leap)
"Angela! What are you doin'? Where're you going?-Sam Oh, it's my time to leave now.-Angela What are you talkin' about?-Sam Oh yeah, oh, is this the part where nobody's going to remember you were ever here?-Al Oh, no, not you, uh. But people in this time...they're gonna forget about me. But I will always remember you, Sam.-Angela Sam?-Sam Who do you think I was sent here to really look after?-Angela You're not really gonna let her go, are you?-Al Who?-Sam Who?!?Angelita!-Al Do I know her?-Sam Huh? Do you know...do you know her?!? Quit foolin' around, Sam. You know what I'm talk...I'm talking about Angelita, the angel!-Al Al, come on, there's no such things as angels."-Sam (It's a Wonderful Leap)
MOMENTS TO LIVE
"As for anyone who will disturb the tomb of Kind Ptah-Hotep: death will swallow him."-Sam (The Curse of Ptah-Hotep)
"Man, what an ugly horse. What a gorgeous woman! Ooooh, I love shorts, Sam. Look at that, loot at that. It's awesome."-Al (The Curse of Ptah-Hotep)
"She and Conway disappeared on a dig in 1957 -that's this dig- and they were swallowed up without a trace.-Al 'As for anyone who will disturb the tomb of Kind Ptah-Hotep: death will swallow him.' That's one of the inscriptions we found in the tomb.-Sam I'd say he's a man of his word.-Al Now, no, there's thousands of inscriptions like that in thousands of tombs. It's just put there to scare the tomb robbers off.-Sam OK, I'm scared. Let's go."-Al (The Curse of Ptah-Hotep)
"I can just see the headlines now. They're going to love this!-Ginny Yeah, I can see 'em too: 'GENIUS HAS DEATH WISH: NOBEL PRIZE WINNER'S REALLY A KNUCKLE-HEAD.' "-Al (The Curse of Ptah-Hotep)
"You know, Sam, did I ever tell you I dated an Egyptian girl?...She thought she was the reincarnation of Cleopatra...But, boy she had a nice asp."-Al (The Curse of Ptah-Hotep)
"None of us can blame ourselves, all right? It was an accident.-Sam Oh yeah, oh yeah. Ooops! It was an accident, I accidentally killed everybody. Hooohoo, now I'm stuck with this secret load of secret treasure. Aww, I'm gonna have to give up my measly poor-paying professorship and go somewhere and life a life of ease and luxury somewhere else. Hay, give her an Oscar and let's get the hell outa here!"-Al (The Curse of Ptah-Hotep)
"Huh, that's...that's funny. A claustrophobic archaeologist. Huh. She probably saw the walls closing in on her, poor kid. Huh, that'd be the frosting on the curse, wouldn't it? Walls closing in, the room getting smaller and smaller and....Sam, I think I'm going, uh, to go, uh, back and get with Ziggy and see if we can find something to get around the booby-traps in here, you know. But I'll be back, Sam. I'll be right back, you know, you can count on that. (Door opens slightly then shuts) Gooshie, open the Imaging Chamber door! What do you mean, you can't?-Al What's wrong with the backups?-Sam What's back with the wrongups...What's wrong with the backups? No, he...he..well, he says there's kind of a gridlock with the signals for the door that were maybe caused by that chip that misfunctioned and set off a chain reaction.-Al Well, I guess 'til he figures it out, then you're gonna be stuck here awhile."-Sam (The Curse of Ptah-Hotep)
"Sometimes it's not a good idea to tempt fate twice."-Sam (The Curse of Ptah-Hotep)
"This is weird. You know that chip that opens the Imaging Chamber door? It didn't fail...The whole thing was caused by a new program that Ziggy just got...from Egypt!"-Al (The Curse of Ptah-Hotep)
"He's killing him! Ptah-Hotep is killing him!"-Al (The Curse of Ptah-Hotep)
STAND UP
"Sam, it's mind boggling. I've been spending six hours talking to myself, literally. It's weird, weird-Al (A Leap For Lisa)
"Bingo, to quote you, you are in deep ca-ca."-Sam (A Leap For Lisa)
"Bingo, bango, bongo."-Al's nickname (A Leap For Lisa)
"Tina's married to Gooshie." -Edmund St. John (A Leap For Lisa)
" How's Tina?-Sam Tina? This is no time to ask about my love life!-Al I never thought you'd say that."-Sam (A Leap For Lisa)
" Now, even if I believed you, would you do this if you were me?-Bingo (young Al) I am you."-Al (A Leap For Lisa)
"How do you say 'Oh boy' in Russian?"-Sam (Lee Harvey Oswald I)
"Sam, you'll never believe whah...(sees Sam passionately kissing Mariska)...whaaaaa? Looks like my libido finally kicked in!"-Al (Lee Harvey Oswald I)
"The only thing you can teach me is how to play 'Drop the Soap in the Shower'."-Sam (Lee Harvey Oswald I)
"Sam, Sam, what are the four, uh, fundamental forces of interactions in Quantum physics?...What are the four fundamental forces of interactions in Quantum physics, Sam? Yeah, yeah, Sam. The four fundamental forces of interactions in, in, in Quantum physics.-Al Connotation, electromagnetism, strong and weak nuclear force.-Sam What's the poly-exclusion principle?-Al No two affirminedes can occupy a given Quantum state at the same time.-Sam (he is released from the personality of Oswald) Neither can two human souls."-Al (Lee Harvey Oswald I)
"He's baaaack!"-Al (Lee Harvey Oswald I)
"[The String Theory] helped close the conceptual gulf between relativity and Quantum mechanics. It postulates that sub-atomic particles are not points but strings, about one quark-length long. The rate at which strings vibrate can generate the properties of all known particles."-Lee Harvey Oswald speaking as Sam (Lee Harvey Oswald II)
"When you leap for a living, you expect to land in some stormy situations. But being a half-gainer into an unknown ocean, somehow the words 'above and beyond' seem inadequate."-Sam (The Leaping of the Shrew)
"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner, but we were making preparations for Tina's birthday, and she wants me to pop up out of the birthday cake. Uh, you'll never believe what she wants me to not wear."-Al (The Leaping of the Shrew)
"Trust me, I have no interest in your underwear.-Sam I knew it, the sun is getting to his mind."-Al (The Leaping of the Shrew)
"Sam, uh, bon voyage. Um, I gotta, um, jump out of a cake."-Al (The Leaping of the Shrew)
"I can see the headlines now:'SOCIALITE SUCKS SEAWEED.' They won't be able to keep them on the stands."-Sam (The Leaping of the Shrew)
"Well, you know, first I lifted off all your clothes. Then I, I pulled out my bassokie and played wild peasant songs while I danced naked around the raft."-Sam (The Leaping of the Shrew)
"(Watching Sam and Vanessa wrestle in the mud) You guys should put on bikinis and charge admission...I'd hate to miss the exciting conclusion, but I've gotta give Tina her birthday present, and it's a big one."-Al (The Leaping of the Shrew)
"Are you telling me I'm here because I'm a lousy sailor?-Sam Partly."-Al (The Leaping of the Shrew)
"It's good to leave yourself open to new things."-Sam (Nowhere To Run)
"It's a lot easier to kill yourself when nobody cares."-Al (Nowhere to Run)
"Destiny is a funny thing. It seems like the harder you try and stop it, the more determined it is to be fulfilled."-Sam (Nowhere to Run)
"It's all right to be angry, you know. Things happened to all of us over there that is hard to live with. We didn't start this filthy war, we just fought it...I bet you think nobody cares, but that's not true. I care, Sam cares, whatever has been jumping us around in time cares. They're gonna build a wall in Washington. And they're gonna carve all these names in it, of all the victims of this lousy war. Don't add another one to it."-Al (Nowhere to Run)
"Sam, I think it's time that you 'rise to the occasion,' if you get my drift."-Al (Nowhere to Run)
"Say goodnight, Gracie.-Al (Sam hits orderly) Ah, that felt good!"-Sam (Nowhere to Run)
"You'd be surprised what a person can do when he has to."-Sam (Nowhere to Run)
"Well, you can cry. And then you can bake a cake."-Sam (Nowhere to Run)
"I've always made it a rule never to judge people on first impressions. Of course, rules are made to be broken."-Sam (Killin' Time)
"All right, let's not do anything that I'm going to regret later."-Al (Killin' Time)
"Oh, it's so nice to be on a first-name basis with my hostages."-Sam (Killin' Time)
"And don't worry, OK? Don't worry. because I'm gonna leave Gooshie in charge.-Al Gooshie? Well, that's just perfect...me and Gooshie."-Sam (Killin' Time)
"Gooshie! Gooshie! That's fantastic! That's great. Gooshie, I'd kiss you if you didn't have bad breath.-Al I'm touched. Admiral, are you sure this is what you want to do?-Gooshie For five years I've been watching Sam Beckett risk his life for total strangers. Think about it."-Al (Killin' Time)
"Just because you're over 21 doesn't mean your life is over."-Karen (Killin' Time)
"When was the last time you met an illiterate speedreader?"-Sam (Killin' Time)
"Time and space can be a bitch!"-Gooshie (Killin' Time)
"If I could see you, would I be talking to the sidewalk?!?-Al I guess Ziggy didn't do a very good job of cinching our brain waves.-Gooshie I'll take that as a compliment."-Al (Killin' Time)
"That's a bullet-proof vest. Never track a psychotic killer without one."-Al (Killin' Time)
"Can you hear me? Who are you? Oh boy, oh boy!"-Sam (Star Light, Star Bright)
"Ziggy says your memory is Swiss-cheesed with the real Mr. Stoddard, who, by the way, right now is in the waiting room and he thinks he's on his way to Venus...He's in Heaven. He keeps fingering our clothes, he wants to know what we eat. You know he says, he says, he says 'Take me to your leader.' So I turned him over to Gooshie. Told him he was the King of the Planet Halitosis."-Al (Star Light, Star Bright)
"You gotta have the dream first, Al. Great scientists are never objective, and that's why people always think that they're loony."-Sam (Star Light, Star Bright)
"Not one word. Zero. Zilch. Zip. Nada."-Al (Star Light, Star Bright)
"Ziggy says don't trust them, Sam. They're big-time nozzles."-Al (Star Light, Star Bright)
"Yeah, but I also saw Brando in 'One-Eyed Jacks': Never trust a face when you can only see one side."-Al (Star Light, Star Bright)
"I've got a bad feeling about this, Sam. Like my second wife."-Al (Star Light, Star Bright)
"Pop, these men are part of a special government project.-Woman Yeah, Watergate was a special project, too!"-Al (Star Light, Star Bright)
"Hop aboard Sam...98.6% chance the old coot is going to take the ride of his lifetime!"-Al (Star Light, Star Bright)
DELIVER US FROM EVIL
TRILOGY I
"Ooh, dead people. Oooh, I don't like dead people."-Al (Trilogy I)
TRILOGY II
"Even heroes are human."-Sam (Trilogy II)
"I don't want my children to grow up in a town that is capable of lynching one of its own."-Larry Stanton (Trilogy II)
TRILOGY III
PROMISED LAND
"Don't you see, Al? It doesn't matter if you kill a man with a gun or a pen - in the end he's still dead."-Sam (Promised Land)
"What's wrong?!? Al, I'm a bigamist!"-Sam (Tale of Two Sweeties)
"A massage-o-matic! I remember one time...we had one of those things running for nine hours straight. We had nothing else to do."-Al (Tale of Two Sweeties)
"But think about it. If I had tried that (being a bigamist)...I could have gone through ten wives instead of five!"-Al (Tale of Two Sweeties)
"I love happy endings. I hate it when a movie makes me cry. It's part of my sensitive nature.-Bookie I wouldn't see 'Bambi,' then. It's a real tearjerker."-Sam (Tale of Two Sweeties)
"Whoever said 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' never scorned two women."-Sam (Tale of Two Sweeties)
"Get the hell away from the win...win...doh."-Al (Tale of Two Sweeties)
"Martin, is this one of your little jokey-wokeys?-Ellen It'd better be a jokey-wokey!-Al This is no jokey-wokey...JOKE!"-Sam (Tale of Two Sweeties)
"I decided honesty would be the best policy.-Sam For boy scouts, not for bigamists!"-Al (Tale of Two Sweeties)
"I didn't spend it on her. I lost it at the races...I think.-Sam You can bet on it."-Al (Tale of Two Sweeties)
"Oooh, they're bonding. That's bad....Sam, the train is going in the wrong direction."-Al (Tale of Two Sweeties)
"What a scene. Chicks in cells! Talk about your major fantasy.-Al I do, for Shari. Now what the hell am I doing here?-Sam What could be better? Chicks in chains in cells!...-Al Al!!-Sam ...That would be bet...wha?"-Al (Liberation)
"I give up. I'm going to school...where people still bother to think."- Suzie (Liberation)
"Now, all you have to do i..is you talk Diana out of doing this protest march thing, and Ziggy says there's an 86% that you'll leap, everything's fine, you can forget George and you don't have to cook dinner."-Al (Liberation)
"I got to get Diana to change her mind...I forgot my purse."-Sam (Liberation)
"Every time we tell our daughters they're not a bright, not as strong, not as good as men... every time, we're creating another generation of fear."-Diana (Liberation)
"Take a lesson from Ghandi.-Sam Or King!-Al Or Martin Luther King. You go out and start a riot, and people will only notice. what's wrong with you. But you state your beliefs in an orderly fashion, and people will notice what's wrong about the system."-Sam (Liberation)
"Where have you been? I wanted to talk to you.-Sam At school!-Son You're not my only obligation in life, you know.-Al So, what did you want to talk about?-Son I made a bad mistake and I told Tina about your troubles-Al Oh, nothing.-Sam Do you know what she said? She said George sounds like me!-Al Ah that tastes awful!-Son She called me a chauvenist.-Al Really, are you surprised?-Sam Surprised?-Al Yeah, you usually make things taste great. Mom, are you OK? I mean, no offense, but you seem a little wierd.-Son I always considered myself a sensitive and giving person!"-Al (Liberation)
"Don't confuse people with ideas."-Sam (Liberation)
"Is the size of a man's feet related to the size of his love muscle?"-Call-in Woman (Dr. Ruth)
"Ziggy says there's a 72% chance that you're here to play with matches.-Al What?!?"-Al and Sam (Dr. Ruth)
"Why do you think that you married five times?-Dr. Ruth I like variety."-Al (Dr. Ruth)
"I think you are afraid of something.-Dr. Ruth You're right: alimony."-Al (Dr. Ruth)
"She's got great casabas-Al What are these 'casabas?'-Dr. Ruth Well, you know, uh melons. Who-has? Uh, tatas? teeters? tweeters? tom-toms? tee tees?-Al Say it!-Dr. Ruth I'm trying to say it! Uh, meatballs, mangoes, cream pies, cupcakes, uh, bangers, bouncers, ballombas.-Al Al!!!-Dr. Ruth ...bazongas... BREASTS! I said it!"-Al (Dr. Ruth)
"Being sexy is a state of mind. Um...it's your body, you know, not his. So you do what's right for you."-Sam (Dr. Ruth)
"It may have four letters, but 'love' is not a dirty word. Say it!-Dr. Ruth Eh...I can't.-Al Why not?-Dr. Ruth I said it once long ago, and once is enough.-Al That must have been one special love.-Dr Ruth It was..-Al So special, you could never love anyone else?-Dr Ruth Not like that..-Al Of course 'not like that!' Who's asking you to love everyone the same? People are different, unique, so why shouldn't our love for them be different? This person you loved...-Dr Ruth That's my first wife, Beth..-Al Did you love this Beth more than you love Tina?-Dr Ruth Yes. But it was different..-Al So you love Tina different than Beth? But you still love her.-Dr Ruth Yes..-Al Did you hear what you just said? -Dr Ruth I said I love Tina different....I said it!.-Al Maybe I tricked you into it, but you said it! Now, say it again, and drop the 'different' part. That's a given.-Dr Ruth I love Tina.-Al Now, go and tell her!-Dr Ruth OK. Gee, thanks doc..-Al Next!"-Dr Ruth (Dr. Ruth)
"There is no such thing as vampires."-Sam (Blood Moon)
"They've got insatiable carnal urges beyond the grave. Now, what does that tell you?-Al It tells me that vampires and holograms have a lot in common.-Sam Ha ha ha."-Al (Blood Moon)
"It's these English frequencies. This country hasn't been the same since the Blitz."-Al (Blood Moon)
"The soul can never die. It can only be...reinvented."- Victor (Blood Moon)
"Victor says our fates are preordained.-Claudia I don't know how to break this to you, but Victor is insane."-Sam (Blood Moon)
"Your vampires are fake, unless they got a dental plan in hell."-Sam (Blood Moon)
"What?-Al You got me feeling a little silly right now, huh. Well, the garlic and the cross and all that stuff, considering how everything turned out.-Sam A ha ha! I wondered how long it would take you before you tried to rub my nose in that.-Al I don't want to mean 'I told you so.'-Sam No! I just got a little carried away.-Al A little carried away? Al! You were scared to death! 'A little carried away.' I just hope that this proves to you once and for all that there are no such things as vampires. -Sam Hmn!-Al OK?-Sam OK.-Al I wanna know what I look like...(looks into reflective tray, doesn't see anything. Whispers) Al...!"-Sam (Blood Moon)
"College is a four-year license to learn and have fun without the pressure of family."-Sam (Return Of The Evil Leaper)
"It's you-Al Al, of course it's me!-Sam NO, I'm talking about the cape. It's you."-Al (Return Of The Evil Leaper)
"This guy's really something...The Midnight Marauder, Defender of the Faith, Protector of the Innocent. He's a wacko."-Al (Return Of The Evil Leaper)
"I'm beat, OK? My hair hurts."-Sam (Return Of The Evil Leaper)
"Why would you want to pledge a fraternity that's full of idiots in the first place?-Sam ...You said the wrong thing, Sam. His dad was a Kai Kappa Delta idiot. And his grand-dad and his great-grand dad was a founding idiot."-Al (Return Of The Evil Leaper)
"What are you telling me? I'm here to teach Jackie how to fluff and fold?-Sam Well, we don't know yet. But, uh, don't lift your leg on the family tree again, please?"-Al (Return Of The Evil Leaper)
"I believe you. You have the light of Truth in your eyes.-Arnold My ex-wives'd never say that!"-Al (Return Of The Evil Leaper)
"You're a college student! Your mission is to get good grades, uh, swallow a couple'a goldfish, and figure out how much you can drink without blowing chunks!"-Al (Return Of The Evil Leaper)
"The Midnight Marauder scoffs at the odds!"-Sam (Return Of The Evil Leaper)
"There's no worst feeling of being the object of a hunt, especially when the people chasing you are a bunch of jocks with oatmeal for brains."-Sam (Return Of The Evil Leaper)
"You trust me, don't you?-Sam Almost."-Al (Return Of The Evil Leaper)
"You don't have to risk your life to do good."-Al (Return Of The Evil Leaper)
"Dark blue skies....clouuuds....-Al Al...-Sam Clouuuuds...-Al Al, where are you?-Sam Vegas."-Al (Revenge of the Evil Leaper)
"You will remain Angel Gensen until I say the word...-Sam Rumpelstiltskin.-Al Rumpelstiltskin?-Sam Rumpelstiltskin...-Alia Well, it worked for him."-Al (Revenge of the Evil Leaper)
"My my my, did we Swiss-cheese a little on our first leap!"-Thames (Revenge of the Evil Leaper)
"When dealing with quanta, nothing's impossible."-Thames (Revenge of the Evil Leaper)
"What's the blue meanie after?....Is she some refugee out of a 'B' movie?"-Al (Revenge of the Evil Leaper)
"What a minute! If I'm gettin' ready to step into the Twilight Zone, I need a damned minute!"-Vivian (Revenge of the Evil Leaper)
"This'd better be a flashback of some drug I did in the 60's!"-Vivian (Revenge of the Evil Leaper)
"Some Quantum Leaps are like nightmares; getting pummeled in a boxing ring, working on a chain gang...So, if you told me that I'd find myself chauffeuring Marlyn Monroe around Hollywood in a big V8 convertible, I'd say I had died and gone to heaven."-Sam (Goodbye Norma Jean)
"I'm going to do a lot of observing on this one."-Al (Goodbye Norma Jean)
"It's not good to be alone."-Sam (Goodbye Norma Jean)
"You brought me out here for this (seeing Marlyn skinny dipping)?-Sam Are you kidding? It's like looking at Helen of Troy or Bonachelli's Venus.-Al Naked!-Sam Right!-Al Wrong!"-Sam (Goodbye Norma Jean)
"No you're not! No. You're not losing it. You got lots of it.-Sam Lots!-Al Lots and lots of it.-Sam Lots and lots and lots of it!"-Al (Goodbye Norma Jean)
"Oh, double your pleasure, double your fun!"-Al (Goodbye Norma Jean)
"You're a stronger man than I am."-Al (Goodbye Norma Jean)
"Ziggy!...She's just acting temperamental. She says 'The Hollywood types are too unpredictable to predict.' "-Al (Goodbye Norma Jean)
"Over the years, I've leaped into a lot of hairy situations. But this one was more than I expected. But, even though I didn't know who I was, I did know who I wasn't. I wasn't Bigfoot.(Looks in mirror) Although, from the look of things, I wasn't far off."-Sam (The Beast Within)
"(To God) I'm open to suggestions.-Sam Luke! Luke!-Karen Thank you."-Sam (The Beast Within)
"I hope that hairy devil can't see holograms!"-Al (The Beast Within)
"I'm right here, Scarlette. Oh, she's lovely. I always had a thing for girls from the deep South."-Al (The Leap Between the States)
"Congratulations, you're a great-grandfather...Go get her, Rhett!"-Al (The Leap Between the States)
"Up your nose with a rubber hose."-Al (The Leap Between the States)
"An officer, but definitely not a gentleman."-Al (The Leap Between the States)
"Most of all, I like the way I feel's about being a free man. Makes a man feel like a king. So, if it 'ain't too uppity, I'd like to be called...Isaac King.-Isaac Sam, you're not going to believe this. Isaac here goes on to have a son named Emmanuel. And Emmanuel goes on to have a son...-Al King?-Sam Something wrong with it?-Isaac No, no, no, it's fine.-Sam ...And that son has a son, a very famous son, Martin Luther King.-Al I think that's a fine name, Isaac."-Sam (The Leap Between the States)
"Sam, you'll never guess who's in the waiting room. Elvis Prestley. You're him and he's you."-Al (Memphis Melody)
"(Ziggy's) been working with diminished capacity because she's star-struck."-Al (Memphis Melody)
"Away...-Sam ...Oh boy-Al Away...-Sam ...Oh boy-Al Away..."-Sam (Memphis Melody)
"You know, there's nothing wrong with merely dreaming-Sam It hurts too much when you wake up.-Sue Anne You'll never know unless you try."-Sam (Memphis Melody)
"Everybody should be a dreamer. You gotta reach for the stars, not the ceiling."-Sam (Memphis Melody)
"Ooo, apple pie. Elvis' favorite. Mmmn, oo, I wish I could taste it."-Al (Memphis Melody)
"Well, I gotta go, I don't want to be late. Elvis is gonna give us a private little concert for us in the Waiting Room..Standing room only. I don't want to be late."-Al (Memphis Melody)
"Sam, you're not supposed to be a duo, Sam! Sam, you're turning the King of Rock 'n Roll into 'Donnie and Marie!' "-Al (Memphis Melody)
"But in 1954, the world was just not ready for Sonny and Cher. As a matter of fact, the world was never ready for Sonny and Cher."-Al (Memphis Melody)
" 'Are you alright, Frank?' ?!??! What about the pelvis?"-Al (Memphis Melody)
"Forget Ziggy!"-Sam (Memphis Melody)
"You know, it isn't easy reaching for those stars."-Sam (Memphis Melody)
"He's at a dinner...having diner."-Al (Memphis Melody)
" 'Heartbreak Hotel' is recorded by the Monkeey's...And 'Jailhouse Rock' is recorded by Tony Orlando and Dawn! AWLECH! Gag me with a spoon!"-Al (Memphis Melody)
"Well, you're gonna reach for the stars. And you're gonna keep right on reaching for 'em, until you touch one."-Sam (Memphis Melody)
"Sometimes `that's the way it is` is the best explanation."-Al the bartender (Mirror Image)
"A good bartender has to be part philosopher, part psychiatrist, part psychic."-Al the Bartender (Mirror Image)
"Who knows what Don Quixote can accomplish?"-Al the Bartender (Mirror Image)
"Only God knows everything."-Al the Bartender (Mirror Image)
"Whatever Sam's drinkin', I'll have one!"-Guy in Bar (Mirror Image)
"Gooshie! I'm gonna ralph!-Al Ralph?-Gooshie Barf, spew, upchuck, make like Mount Saint Helens, I'm gonna blow chunks-Al Oh, uh, regurgitate!-Gooshie You got it. I'm outa here!"-Al (Mirror Image)
"Do you really thing that all you've done is change a few lives?...Well, at the risk of over-inflating your ego, you've done more. The lives you've touched, touched others, and those lives--others! You've done a lot of good, Sam Beckett! And you can do a lot more."-Al the Bartender (Mirror Image)
"The catch is that you have to accept that you can control your own destiny."-Al the Bartender (Mirror Image)
"I always wanted my own bar."-Al (Mirror Image)
"I'm gonna get you out of this. Whatever it takes, I'll get you out of this."-Al's last words on Quantum Leap (Mirror Image)
"Where would you like to go, Sam?-Al the B Home. I'd like to go home. But I can't, can I? I've got a wrong to put right for Al. You knew that, didn't you?-Sam God Bless, Sam."-Al the Bartender (Mirror Image)
"I'm going to tell you a story, Beth. A story with a happy ending. But only if you believe me.-Sam And if I don't?-Beth I swear you will. But instead of starting with 'Once upon a time...', let's start with a happy ending. Al's alive ... and he's coming home."-Sam's last words on Quantum Leap (Mirror Image)
"Beth never remarried.
She and Al have four daughters and will celebrate their 39th wedding anniversary in June.
Dr. Sam Beckett never returned home."-Ending of Quantum Leap (Mirror Image)
The End